Dear Lucia,
I hope this bletter finds you well. I miss you bunches. As you know, I have been struggling with my mental health a lot recently. I know I write about it frequently, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t bore you. This past week has consisted of me designing and putting to the test my own sort of outpatient program. I have been hesitant to go inpatient for a while, and the Icelandic system seems bent on fucking me and my friends over, so I made this program in spite of that, not in congruence with.
I guess I wanted to outline some of the things I did that I want to remind myself to keep doing, and to share so maybe they could help you or someone who stumbles upon this letter. When I inevitably decline again, thanks to my various illnesses, I hope to come back to this and reinstate some of the wellness practices I started this week. Let’s go!
Therapy
This one is a given. Of course, part of mental rehabilitation for myself is therapy. I go to a place called Therapy Cooperative here in Reykjavik, which specalizes in hands on wellness. You know I learn best when things are hands-on, and that includes my mental health. I do art therapy because it allows me to “fidget” in a productive way. There doesn’t feel like there is as much pressure when I can be focusing on art rather than just talking about what is wrong.
I went to therapy 4 times this week. Normally, I go every other week. It was a way to get me started in my day and really set myself up to have a good day. Starting my day off with therapy and allowing myself time to talk about what has been bothering me, as well as planning the rest of my day around wellness was a great experience. My therapist has always made sure that I have good plans after therapy since it can be so intense, and this was basically an extended version of that.
To be fair, not every session is life changing. Two days ago I was a bit bummed at the session we had. I felt as though we didn’t unpack anything worthwhile, and sort of like I was “too self-aware” for therapy to be really worth it. This made me nearly cancel the last two days, but I am glad I didn’t, because they ended up being quite helpful.
Baking
“Chaos Cooking” has become an Alex-trademark in recent years. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate following directions, recipes, patterns, or anything of the like. Baking, of course, is more of a science than “regular” cooking, where things like leavening agents and binding agents actually matter. When i cook, the aim is for the food to taste good. I throw things together in a pan, add more garlic than seems right, and call it a day. Baking causes me to slow down. I still do not follow the recipes to a T, but I do take more care when proportioning things.
This week I have mostly made cookies. I made regular chocolate chip, chocolate chip with walnuts, and apple crisp cookies. I have also made dandelion syrup, though that is less baking than just preparing, I think. Additionally, I wanted to make peanut butter apple cookies, but ran out of spoons. Maybe I will make those tomorrow.
Music
Music has always been therapeutic to me. I am lucky that I have been able to go to lots of concerts and live shows in my life. That is one thing I am very grateful for from my parents, they instilled a love of live music in me from a young age. I remember one of the first concerts I went to: The Saw Doctors. I loved every second. We had won a raffle and they gave us front row seats. I was ecstatic to hear one of my favourite songs, the Hay Wrap, preformed right there in front of me.
Throughout my therapy sessions, I have introduced my therapist to many new songs and artists. it has always felt like the musicians can describe my feelings better than I. There is a desperation within me that can only be soothed with music. A yearning, crying, screaming part of my soul that stops to listen when I hear the first notes of a song that I know has calmed the ocean within me before, that has made me feel heard.
Recently, when I have been feeling overwhelmed, I have started taking the time to put in headphones and just listen. Music pouring directly into my soul: it seems like such a simple solution, and yet it often subverts me. I have written here before about the very personal and pleasurable experience of listening to a whole album through, but this was different. When I was in a self-destructive mood, I would start an album thinking I would only last a song or two, but then I would be so caught in the themes and emotions that I would just listen straight through.
One thing I love about music as a therapy technique is that there is no right way to do it. Some people play music, others write poetry (that can become lyrics), some people scream at the top of their lungs, others just listen. Sometimes I sing along, but mostly I just use the songs to help me think through my own situations. I find that my favourite music is relatable to me, and it is a comfort to know that other people can relate to my situation and feelings.
Task Completions
This section also probably feels like a given, but to me it kind of opened my eyes. My therapist showed me ways to “hack” the brain into giving you chemicals that you need. One of the ways was to complete tasks. So, I did my laundry. Made cookies. I bought a bike. Then, I fixed up the bike. All of these things made me feel like I was actually doing something and making something out of my day. Usually, I spend my day at work or hanging out with friends. Neither of these things provides me with any particular task to complete other than “work” or “fun with friends” which leaves me feeling kind of void of the satisfaction of completing a task.
In particular, today I bought and fixed a bike. I don’t know a lot about bikes, so this was entirely new territory for me. I went to a sale this morning where all bikes were 1000 isk. Naturally, I expected them to be beat up. I found a perfect bike, but it had no brakes. That one stayed at the lot, and I took a slightly less amazing bike that seemed to only need refilled tires. After filling them up, I realized that the tires indeed had some holes in them. So, I bought some patches (900 isk) and took apart the tire. It was so satisfying figuring out how the pieces went together. It was even more satisfying working with my hands and putting it all back together, then getting to ride my bike around the block. I feel so empowered building usable things.
This is similar to the feeling I get when I wear something I have sewn and get compliments on it. Having the power to make and create and envision is intoxicating. I wish that on my bad days I could remember how wonderful it feels, and that I could act on it. Hopefully that this blog and this week has taught me that much. I just need to do to feel better, but depression often takes away my will to do in the first place.
Conclusions
Overall, I think I need to find a happy middle of pushing myself and relaxation. I often find that after work I am too tired to put energy into things such as baking or creating, but it is so clearly helpful to my mental health. Looking forward, I aim to really incorporate some of these things more fully into my daily life. By taking a week to sort my head out, I think I better understand my priorities in life. I hope that when I inevitably spiral again, I will be able to keep those things in mind. Easing myself back into work will also involve me trying to keep some of these self-help habits at the forefront of my routine.
Miss you loads, wish I was baking with you,
Alex