Dear Lucia,
How’s it going, my man? Miss you as always. In fact, missing people is the whole point of this bletter. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to live abroad and build a life “from nothing” recently, and I wanted to share some thoughts/ ramblings with you. To start of us, I have three songs I want to talk about.
Sleep Deprivation
This song, Sleep Deprivation by Chance Peña, was recommended to me through instagram reels, of all places. With heavy drums and reliance on acoustic guitar, this song is indeed right up my ally. The yearning in the singer’s voice really pulls at my heartstrings, and pairing that with lyrics about longing to see the world and make their family proud are almost too much.
My family has always put an emphasis on family. We are numerous and loud and always fun, and I miss them a lot. I have a really hard time coming to terms that while I am where I feel like I need to be, it is not with them. You will see this same sentiment reflected in other songs as well (including Matilda, by Harry Styles, my third song here). I receive pictures from family events like birthday parties or Easter (I haven’t been home for Easter in at least 3 if not 4 years now) and it makes me feel like that is where I belong. Birthday parties are hard because they remind me that my family is growing older too. I am living a life that is almost completely removed from them. I go home once a year, and they have also lived a year of love, trouble, adventure, and everything else.
The two people it hits the hardest for are my Grandfather, and my cousin’s daughter. For my grandfather, I know he and his parents risked a lot moving to the states when he was younger, and I almost feel like I am throwing it away by choosing to live somewhere else. For my cousin’s daughter, I remember the day she was born. I desperately need her to know that I love her and want to be there for her if she ever needs anyone to rely on, but the sad truth is that I am not really in her life. She probably doesn’t remember most of our interactions, because she was so young. It tears me up inside thinking that to her, I am the cousin that lives far away and only comes around for Christmas. I remember that I have a cousin like that, and I loved her so much but felt like she was always out of reach.
This year taught me how it feels to be lost and ambitious
I see the world outside my door/ Constant reminder, there’s so much more than what I’m seeing
Both of these quotes hit a bit hard. This past year I have driven to do so much and I also have struggled so much with my mental health that I feel so lost, but like I am working towards a better version of myself. And it hits me, whenever I see Esja in the distance, or when I am walking on the coast, I made it out. There is so much more to the world than just my side yard on Chelmsford St., and I never needed one place to make me happy.
All my Love
Hey man, I’m just coming back to this after like a week. I don’t feel like writing it anymore, lol. So, you listen to these songs and lmk how you feel.
Homesickness is weird when you miss people, not place, and the place you were raised doesn’t feel like home, anyway.
Love,
Alex