Dear Alex,
It’s always hard to pack for a trip. Let’s start there. This weekend was a whirlwind of getting organized, trying desperately to get my shit together, and yet trying all the same to also move forward.
We set out in a journey in a couple of days, and I am truly looking forward to seeing what an artist I met a couple weeks ago called the open sky, the big sky, the endless western sky. There’s something about the east coast that feels so suffocating at times, there’s so many people, everywhere at all times. It’s wonderful, to see so many souls interacting and thriving and yet all the same, it’s so easy to get lost in its push and pull. I’ll say, even being in Oklahoma several years ago allowed me to see the endless expanse and as much as Oklahoma ain’t uhhhh the cream of the crop as far as OK city goes, it’s got such rich beauty. I don’t think I’d survive there though, lol, I’d probably go stir crazy.
It’s unsettling when so many things change at the same time. When I drove back from my friends birthday on Saturday I couldn’t help but feel so much. And yet, I knew I could turn it off to quickly just numb it out you know? I guess I felt overwhelmed by things changing, being alone in my house for the first time in a long time; it’s different than knowing someone else will be there. I think that’s why I have so much trouble thinking I need to move out. And yet several hours later I was rocking out, I was ok, and enjoying the silence of the house in the morning and midday.
But fuck, dude it’s so much work to upkeep a house yourself I didn’t even realize. It’s so silly to say? But like, vacuuming the whole house, dusting, cleaning, watering, etc etc, coming home having to make sure everything is going well it’s a lot! I much preferred my tiny room to manage myself, I knew I had to clean it but it wouldn’t be a Herculean effort.
Anyways this was all meant to say, change is scary! I had so much anxiety last night packing for this trip, there’s so many variables and so much to consider and I’m supposed to be my own person and make my own decisions? I know I am, and I do that already, but I felt, untethered for the first time in a while and that felt uncomfortable.
I’m excited to see you though, it will be a good trip no matter what happens, I get to spend time with you and that is always a pleasure and a treasure.
I don’t even know how to end this, but I guess a journey to the west shall be had!
To the big sky, with love
Lucia